Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 4:
Charlie Sheen
I am sure you have heard about Charlie Sheen's antics. Here is a list of some of the shenanigans he has gotten into recently:
He was hospitalized after a 36 hour drug fueled party at his house (very impressive, especially since I can't just live my normal life without having to sleep after 12 hours (also he did that on drugs, when the man parties, he parties (Andrew WK could learn a thing or two from Sheeny))).
At a party there was a briefcase full of cocaine (More things need to be measure by the briefcase full. "There was a briefcase full of kidneys stolen form the morgue today.").
He wrote a check for $30,000 to, porn star, Kasey Jordan for sex (That's for sex with one woman! He could have sex with like 30 whores at $1,000 a piece, or 1,000 freakish (amputees, fat, Belgian) whore at $30 a piece.)
There will be a porn based on Charlie Sheen (I think Morgan Freeman is going to dot he narration!).
That list is all based off of the same party. That is just Charlie being Charlie. Here is a basic summation of Mr. Sheen's life: womanizing, party boy named Charlie. He is also, until recently, the star of CBS's hit sitcom Two and a Half Men; where he plays a womanizing party boy named Charlie (they really are not that creative over at CBS). I hear the show is about two guys and a kid (the kid is the half man), and not about two guys who must find a way to deal with a bloody torso (and the antics they get into). Since that show is not about a bloody torso, I have never seen it. However, when Fox buys the rights for the gritty reboot, I already wrote the script for the pilot episode!
Anyway, you may have noticed (I can't get anything by you) that I wrote "until recently" about Sheen's involvement in TAAHM, that's because they have cancelled production for the rest of the season (maybe forever). This is all do to a rant Charlie went on, in a radio interview. Here are some of the word bombs he drops in the aforementioned interview:
He calls Chuck Lorre (writer/creator of 2 & 1/2 Men) a charlatan and Chaim (which is either anti Semitic or in reference to Lorre's real first name).
He is tired of pretending to be perfect and he is tired of everyone trying to analyze him. He wants the world to just "enjoy the show." (At least he is aware that as a celeb. he is only a piece of meet to us. I think he is a breath of fresh air, in a world where every famous person has to apologize and go to rehab with they fuck up.)
He is the only one on TAAHM who has any fans. If it wasn't for him they would be nothing (you really can't argue with that).
He has turned Lorre's "tin cans" into "gold" (Rumpelstiltskin's got nothing on Chuck Sheen!).
When asked if he was not going to put up with people pushing him around anymore, he said this, "It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground." (I wake up everyday and say that.)
Who wants to wager some money on whether or not CS will be dead by the end of the year? My money is on him eating the big one by November. Check back then to see if I'm right.
Until then I'm going to party with Charlie,
Scott
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's not as big of a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's still a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
It's a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
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