Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The best news story ever

Dear Reader.

Holy shit! Are you ready for the best news story I have ever heard? Matthew Fox (Jack Shephard from Lost) punched a bus driver's vagina! Did you read that?! Matthew Fox engaged in fisticuffs with some broad's snatch!

I know!

I don't even care how it happened, but here's the story anyway:

On Saturday night (8/27/11), while everyone on the east coast was hiding from some bitch named Irene, people in Cleveland were partying. This happened in Cleveland? I take back everything I ever said about you. Anyway, a party bus (driven by Heather Bormann) was picking up a bachelor party from Shooters Entertainment Complex. What she didn't anticipate was, Lost star, Matthew Fox on board; demanding a ride back to his hotel. When he was denied, he lost his shit!

He yelled, "This is the guy from ‘Lost,’ Matthew Fox!"

When that didn't work, he started hitting Heather in the tits and twat.

Now, I don't know how you are imagining this, but in my mind Mr. Fox getting stuck in Ms. Bormann's gash. Like he is forearm deep in there, just struggling to get out, like James Franco in 127 Hours. I am not advocating violence to women, unless it's something as awesome as this. If we can laugh (and we do) at dudes getting hit in the beanbags, then we can laugh and biddies getting pummeled in the pussy. This is the price you pay for the right to vote and drive.

Just imagine (like I have been all day) if this happened in all of Matty's roles.

Party of Five:
"Oh hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm so bummed by our parents dying in that car accident."

"Yea Matt, me t-"

BOOM! He lands a haymaker into JLH's cooch!

"Fuck! That hurt! Holy shit, I can whisper to ghosts now."

I have never seen Party of Five, or Ghost Whisperer.

Vantage Point:
Did anyone see this? I didn't think so. Would you have, if it were guaranteed that Fox socks Sigourney Weaver's lunch box? Fuck yea, you would have.

Lost:
Imagine how much better Lost would have been if, every time Kate was annoying, Jack landed an uppercut on her hatchet wound. Just think about how much better this scene would have been (ignore the stupid dubbing):



Wait a minute. Maybe this did happen, behind the scenes. It would explain why every biddy, Jack spoke to, would immediately start fucking Sawyer. Sawyer had a strict "no punching the ham wallet policy."

Shit, all of this Lost talk just makes me upset. That last season was so fucking bad. Matthew, if you want to redeem yourself in everyone else's eyes (not mine, you won me over), you should land a few knuckle sandwiches into the collective cunt of Damon Linelof and Carlton Cuse. Fuck those guys.

Now maybe, I'm enjoying this story too much. But I doubt that. There is no way thinking of new ways to say, "Matthew Fox totally went all Muhammad Ali on some bird's pot of gold", will ever get old.

I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard Matthew Fox socked some chick right in her sunken treasure,
Scott

Buffet table: A Week of Natural Disasters

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, the east coast of the United States experienced a two prongs attack from Gaia. We had an earthquake then a hurricane. Holy shit! I explain how I handled myself during this time, in this week's edition of Buffet Table.

Nature is silly,
Scott

Monday, August 22, 2011

Buffet Table: Bachmann and Movies

Dear Reader,

In this week's edition of Buffet Table, I attempt to write about republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. I ultimately fail this goal, and write about movie trailers. It is up for debate if I also failed in this attempt.

Either way I'm sure it will delight the masses,
Scott

Monday, August 15, 2011

Buffet Table: Crime & Punishment

Dear Reader,

Not everything I do involves celebrities and making fun of the news. Sometimes, I like to go to museums and get my culture on. Since everything I do does involve murder and crazy, my museum of choice was the National Museum of Crime & Punishment. You can read my review in this week's Buffet Table.

The more you know,
Scott

Monday, August 8, 2011

Buffet Table: Shark Week

Dear Reader,

Last week was Shark Week.  I know you are all in a frenzy to find out what I thought about it. Lucky for you, you can check out Buffet Table to see my thoughts on the great event.  It really has all you could ask for in a critique of educational television (sharks, chum, hugs and intrigue).  Like LL Cool Jay once said "deepest, bluest, my head is like a sharks fin."

Those words are more true now than ever before,
Scott

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

You sunk my battleship!

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:

Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.

Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.

Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.

Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.

Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.

Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.

Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.

Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.

The film industry runs on coke,
Scott

Monday, August 1, 2011

Buffet Table: Harry Potter

Dear Reader,

Did I say "Reader?" I meant "Muggle." I know you are all trying to cope with the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I've been so distraught, I haven't left my apartment in weeks. I find the best way to help me deal with such a loss, is to write an article about H. Potts (and have you tell your friends to read it). Or you could just throw rocks at Twilight fans.

Either one is fine with me,
Scott